Tuesday evening, sent my personal statement off to Chet for a look-over. I value his opinion highly in all things, but I value his opinion above all others in the realm of applications since he’s been on so many panels throughout the years. He only offered a few minor criticisms, and otherwise said that it was “very much you – very personal, very detailed, and very smart”.

I sent the whole package to Darien to look over, as well. He had some good suggestions about nitpicky things: consistency of language in the personal statement (I did a whole thing about “focus and range” in the direction/development of my work sections); having the words “really” and “real” in the same sentence; slightly awkward parsing of a sentence where I’d set off a parenthetical with commas rather than dashes, as I typically do. The biggest change was to flesh out the project description a bit more to include the language I’d used in the cover letter about how I see the project as “the orchestral equivalent of an It Gets Better video”.

I feel much more confident about this application than I have about any other I’ve sent out for grants or competitions. I think that my passion for the piece really comes across, as well as my intense personal connection to the subject matter. My previous application to them (was there more than one? possibly. probably.) I approached more from the angle of, “Oh, hey, there’s some grant money here – let’s see, what can I do to try to get some grant money? Oh yeah, that’ll work. I’ll try that.” And it came across in my materials. This is a piece I’ve been wanting to write for almost a year now, but haven’t had the outlet for it. So now I’m approaching the JFund from the angle of “Here’s a project I’m really into, and here are people who are excited to do it – oh, hey, there’s some potential money that can help make it happen!”

After this app is off, I’ll send a letter to the Secret Music Foundation to request their help in funding the piece, as well. Then I’ll research the MAP Fund, which seems ideally suited to this project, and which Dr. Block is very interested in applying to, as well. The MAP Fund apparently has the ability to fund the entire project, which would be great, especially as a fall-back position should the JFund not work out.

As of right now (mid-afternoon), I have two things left to finish before I can send off my application: print a saddle-stitched copy of my shorter work sample, and print off CD labels for my audio samples. All of the written materials are done and looked over and revised, ISU’s materials are ready to go, and I bought large envelopes at lunch today to send the app in. I’ll finish the last two parts right after work, before I run down to Brooklyn to hear DDT’s Haddocks’ Eyes.

I’m champing at the bit to get this thing done and out of my hands!

I’m hoping to be done by Wednesday evening so that I can go to the American Opera Projects’ concert Thursday evening – they’re presenting David’s Haddocks’ Eyes (note the proper placement of the apostrophe – there are multiple haddock here), which I’ve never heard live.

I received Dr. Block’s JFund materials over the weekend, so that part is done and ready to go.

Of course, to make life more stressful this week (positively so, fortunately), I’ve got to make a decision soon between two options for early November. Either I A) stay in NY for the second performance of “Growl” and get interviewed onstage alongside Ned Rorem, or B) go to the VCCA to perform for their 40th anniversary celebration, which would dovetail with a short residency (probably a week). Here I said I wasn’t going to hunt down a VCCA residency for the Fall, and then they go and invite me to this fundraiser and offer a concurrent residency to sweeten the deal! It sort of throws off my plans for a Spring residency in WY. Or, at least, it gives me fewer paid vacation days for the year, should I do both. I’ll still have sick days and some personal days, which I can use at will. And I can always just say “don’t pay me for these days” should I go over my allotment (in an ideal world, that is – of course, I still have something of an “I’m a temp still” mentality).

I’m quite happy to be saddled with such a predicament, though I hate to have to choose! How lovely would it be to set up a Skype session or Google+ Hangout to be electronically present at the concert while I’m in Virginia! And have the NY performance be part of my portion of the VA evening! It’s always an option….

The VA residency, of course, suddenly becomes an option – despite my earlier having dismissed the idea – because it’s in November, and I’ll surely have the piece started by then, so I won’t be approaching a blank page. Plus, it should be easier to schedule a week off then than two weeks off in early October. I’ll broach the subject this week at the office, even though I’m slightly reluctant to do so since it’s audit week, when it’s possible that tensions might be running a little high.

I give up roughly 40 hours of my week hopping from office to office in Manhattan. I’ll spend days, weeks, or even months in an office, performing mostly menial tasks – filing, data entry, and rarely (very rarely) a bit of reception work (which I invariably loathe). I was very fortunate prior to the economic crash – I had found a great long-term temp gig in the Alternative Fund Services department of HSBC. The VP who oversaw the area that I assisted was also a musician, so he understood my situation and did his best to keep me on for as long as possible. Ultimately, I was there for three and a half years, not including a several-month stint where I temped for a jewelry company. In the middle of this 3.5 years, I spent about six months as a full-time, salaried employee of HSBC – I was a Fund of Funds Administrator (basically, I was an administrator for a particular type of hedge fund) – but it was too great of a draw on my time, so I quit, left on very good terms, and was called back again as a temp when I finished with the jewelry company. I stayed until about two weeks before the crash, when every single temp in the company was let go at once.

After that, the economy was so terrible that my temp agencies had a very difficult time finding me work. From September 2008 until August 2010, I worked a total of maybe 10 weeks – not because I didn’t want to, but because the work just wasn’t there. I was fortunate in that I could draw Unemployment for a year, and I was able to design a website or two, but none of this was enough to pay the rent, let alone bills. After my Unemployment ran out, I was in pretty dire straits. Consequently, I got myself into a bit of a financial pickle, and was fortunately bailed out by my parents earlier this year. (Hooray for parents!)

The constant financial worry was obviously a major draw on my mental abilities. The anxiety and subsequent depression made it pretty much impossible to write. I even had a rough go of it during my stays at artist colonies – I couldn’t maintain my concentration, and kept feeling as though maybe I shouldn’t be there at all, if only because I couldn’t afford to travel or be away from potential jobs. And while I was in the City, I spent almost zero time writing – I would sleep embarrassingly late and then fritter away the remainder of the day. Not an existence indicative of a healthy mind.

I managed to write only a handful of works during that period, most of which had pretty strict deadlines, and it was still like pulling teeth to get me to sit down to write, even with the promise of money.

For quite a while I thought that the problem was that I didn’t have a draw on my time – that I needed to have less of my time available to me so that I would value what little time I had to write and use it properly. Now there may be some validity to this, but it never once crossed my mind until a few weeks ago that my problem was that I couldn’t think except to worry about the five dollars in my checking account and thirteen cents in savings. The worry would keep me up at night. I was afraid to buy anything. I was terrified every time I swiped my debit card, expecting that the tiniest purchase would be denied because I might not have enough money in my account.

Some of the haze finally cleared a few weeks ago on the plane en route to Santa Fe, NM to see my friends Danny and Kaity get married and hear the premiere of The Gallant Weaver, which I arranged for solo guitar as their processional. In August, my boyfriend’s sister recommended me for a freelance temp job in the Finance office at New York City Center, where she had worked in Development. That assignment lasted “officially” from mid-August to October 1. I say “officially” and put it in quotes for two reasons: 1. I’ve been asked back for a while to help out in the Capital Projects office, and 2. I’ve been offered (and I’ve accepted) a full-time position in Finance starting December 13. I’ll be taking over for a really great guy who’s been at City Center for quite a while, and is retiring at the end of the year. Big shoes to fill!

It was around the time that my boss-to-be began making job-style overtures in my direction that I started to realize that my compositional problem hasn’t been too much time on my hands – it’s been incessant, gut-wrenching, debilitating anxiety/depression over the fact that I’ve had no money for the past two years! So once there was a light at the end of the tunnel, an oasis on the horizon, I was finally able to think more clearly and realize that my creative process had been hijacked by paralyzing anxiety and a real, deep depression.

Now it feels as though a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I still have to live a little frugally until the job starts in mid-December, but I’ve been able to breathe and sleep easier.

And the music has begun to flow again! In a matter of days, I wrote a 4-minute choral work that I’m really excited to hear when it’s premiered at Illinois State University the weekend before I start full-time at City Center. I feel energized to write and write and write!

I intend to attack the Songbook Project again, and I’ve got an interesting series of short chamber works bubbling away in my brain. Also, I’ve found a direction for the orchestral piece I started at Ucross last year that I think is going to propel it into something quite good – important, even. So let’s get to work!

I arrived this past Monday at the VCCA, and have been settling into a creative groove and meeting some great people. Shortly before I left NYC, I plunked out a few introductory notes for a new violin and piano duo, so I’ve been expanding on that. My daily output has been a little inconsistent thus far, but I largely attribute that to having just arrived and the various minor distractions involved in settling in for a month’s residency.

Monday was a complete creative wash since I spent the day on the train from NYC to Lynchburg – a surprisingly pleasant 8-hour trip. I find myself increasingly anxious when I’ve traveled lately, which I suspect is due in large part to the draconian rules and restrictions surrounding air travel, and which easily associates itself with train travel, as well. But I arrived in one piece and with only minor aggravations from having slightly overpacked. Since my train didn’t get in until after dark, I forewent a trip to the studio, and dove into the social scene instead, which was a great time, although I should have gone to bed a little earlier and had slightly less wine than I did. But: when in Rome!

I’ve managed a reasonable amount of writing each day so far except for yesterday, which was fraught with a number of distractions, some of which were self-imposed. Most aggravating was an issue with Sibelius, which has been giving me problems lately. There has been some glitch with the Kontakt player that causes the program to crash. As a result of this glitch, whatever score I happen to be working on becomes unusable unless I use only General MIDI for playback, which is a complete nightmare. It refuses to open, and crashes Sibelius instantly if I have the Kontakt player enabled.

I spent some time on the phone with technical support, and was given instructions for a potential solution. First, though, I need my Sibelius installation disc, which I left at home. Fortunately, I have a friend apartment-sitting for me, and he’s already put it in the mail to me. Wish me luck!

The weather has been absolutely gorgeous – in the mid-80s today! – and I’ve been doing my best to get out and about to enjoy the beautiful scenery and to get some exercise to lose these 10 pounds that I’d like to shed before summer.

The food has been slightly problematic so far, though I expect it to improve soon. The issue boils down to my Celiac Disease, which has never been an issue before at colonies. I understand that the menu for this week was made before the kitchen was informed of my gluten thing, so I hope that the situation turns around soon.

I typically don’t write on the weekends, though I may this weekend since it’s been a slowish week. I intend to spend the majority of my time hiking and enjoying the beautiful weather!

In the meantime, I’ll be rescheduling a few things in that time-frame.

Group photo right after dinner, at the residence!

Edan Lepucki mugs for the camera while Stephanie Ognar ignores me completely.

Manil Suri.

Ben Fountain and Shannon Fowler, deep in conversation.

Stephanie and Edan.

Travis Ivey, Shannon Fowler, Edan Lepucki, and Ben Fountain.

Edan toasts me while Ben and Stephanie Ognar chat.

Travis and Shannon in deep conversation.

Here I’m probably explaining something about my work.

The Maestro, at the piano!

Can’t you tell how stressed out we all were?

Group photo!

The remainder of my stay at Ucross was quite enjoyable, and remarkably busy. I didn’t finish the new orchestra piece, though I’m very close to the end, and very happy with what I’ve got written so far. I’m glad that I shelved what I’d attempted during my first week there – it was vastly inferior to this piece. (The aborted attempt, by the way, was to be three meditations on literary characters: Miles Malpractice from Evelyn Waugh’s Vile Bodies, Divine from Jean Genet’s Our Lady of the Flowers, and Robert de Passavant from Andre Gide’s The Counterfeiters. The movement I scrapped was on Divine. The new piece has no literary underpinnigs. I’m waiting until I’m done, and have a satisfactory title to publicly reveal its inspiration.) The piece exists still in the form of detailed short score – I decided to leave it in manuscript form for the time being, and orchestrate it in one fell swoop at the end.

On Tuesday the 22nd, Travis Ivey, Edan Lepucki, and I participated in the Apache Foundation Tree Program by planting two Canada Red Chokecherries in the yard near the office. It was a really fun way to spend an hour: getting the trees from the Apache nursery, digging the hole, setting the tree in, filling the dirt around the base of the tree, and securing and fencing it in. I pounded in two of the poles that protect the trees from the wind, which was noisy and fun and made me shout “Hulk smash!” Now when I go back in a few years, I can check on how well my not-so-little tree is faring.

Wednesday evening, I gave a little concert in my studio after dinner at the request of some of the other residents. I played through the new piece first, and the residents who had heard the first section during our evening of open studios two weeks prior were particularly pleased by the additions. Then, "In the dark pine-wood" again for the new folk. And in between sessions of conversation, I played and sang through some pop tunes from a cabaret act that I’m working up with Darien and Danny. (We call ourselves the Bright Young Things – another Waugh reference in my life!).

Thursday after dinner, at the suggestion of Ben Fountain, we all drove into Buffalo to hear some live Bluegrass music at the Saloon at the Occidental Hotel, which was a real blast.

And Friday. The Last Day. Although I had spent the previous few days packing in small bursts, I was up early to make triple sure that I had everything packed and/or mailed off. Then a stop by the office to thank Sharon again for her invitation two years ago (again, publicly, thank you, Sharon!), and to let her know how beautiful / peaceful / amazing the area is, and how fantastic I felt about the work that I was able to do there. It really is a fantastic program, and I look forward to applying again as soon as the three year grace period between residencies is up.

Five of us left Friday morning: Edan Lepucki, Manil Suri, Shannon Fowler, and I flew out of Sheridan International, and Stephanie Ognar started her two-day drive back to Illinois. Our flight was delayed an hour because Great Lakes has a monopoly in the area and can do what it pleases while charging insane prices. They apparently made an unscheduled stop to pick up extra passengers in another town, which caused several passengers to miss their connections in Denver. Nice. The flight was at least uneventful (a little bit of a rough landing).

And there ends the tale of my residency at the Ucross Foundation. (Denver is its own story, which I’ll surely relate soon.)

I’m really happy to have gone, despite my initial misgivings about being in rural Wyoming for so long. It’s a beautiful area with lots of nature-y things to do, and some really wonderful people. The staff at Ucross are all amazing, fantastic people, and I’m so glad to have met them all! Sharon again gets singled out for thanks for her generous invitation. Cindy made the most fabulous meals – possibly the best dinners I’ve had in my entire life – she’s a real artist, herself! Kate, Mike, and Mary Ann were so friendly and great, and fun to talk with. Thanks to Tina for helping me with the various packages I sent and received, and the dozen or so off-color postcards I mailed to friends and family. And Ruthie – she did so much through the course of the four weeks that I have to limit myself to saying that she’s a really fantastic person, and a really fantastic cook, as well!

And now for tree planting photos, after the jump!

The tree that Edan Lepucki and I planted together.

It’s just so photogenic!

Mike Latham preparing the fencing while Travis Ivey and a member of the regular tree planting initiative fill in around the base of their tree. Edan supervises.

Same, with Mary Ann taking photos in the background.

More photos of the rest of my residency coming soon!

The creek, toward the Kocur studios.

“How does this newfangled contraption work?”

I totally have a thing for this creek!

In training for the Hipster Olympics.

The turkeys that like to poop on the front porch of my studio.